


A Loser in Sunnydale

by Scorpio71



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Cougar is a BAMF, Episode: s02e06 Halloween, F/M, Google Translate Spanish, M/M, Not Willow Friendly, YAHF, angsty feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2014-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-26 15:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2657258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scorpio71/pseuds/Scorpio71
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander doesn’t go as a generic soldier…he ends up going as a specific character from a specific comic series that’s being made into a movie. Then things get weird.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Loser in Sunnydale

**Author's Note:**

> GENRE: YAHF, Ensemble plus Cougar, Cougar/Jensen  
> WARNING: Google-Translate version of Spanish, also yes – I know that the timeline is fudged. I’m just pretending that the comic came out a bit earlier than it did in RL. Not very Willow friendly.  
> DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Own Buffy and friends. Diggle and Jock plus DC/Vertigo own the Losers. (Sadly, I am not on this list anywhere.)

**_The Shopkeeper_ **

“How did those tags get put with that gun?”

“AAUUGHHH!” Xander flinched back hard even as he spun around, one hand reaching up to clutch at his chest. He could feel his heart pounding behind his ribs from the jolt of fear. An older man wearing a nametag reading ‘Ethan’ was grinning at him in amusement. 

Xander scowled. “Don’t **do** that! Especially in Sunnydale.”

He glanced around the shop nervously as his fear slowly gave way to embarrassment at his over-reaction. The shopkeeper looked contrite briefly before nodding down to the cheap yellow and orange plastic squirt gun in Xander’s hands. A set of much more realistic looking grey plastic military dogtags were twisted around it.

“I am sorry for startling you. I was just wondering about this.” Ethan reached out and tugged lightly on the dogtags. “This doesn’t go with that gun. The tags are from a character set that includes a more realistic rifle and a cowboy hat.”

Xander looked down at the gun in his hand, “Oh.”

He began to untangle the dogtag’s chain from the gun. Once it was separated, Xander held them up and read the name on it.

“Cougar?”

The shopkeeper beamed a smile that had shades of ‘oily used car salesman’ to it.

“Oh yes. He’s a character from a comic book. A sniper, I believe. That’s his codename, of course. Apparently, he and his Special Forces team were framed for a crime they didn’t commit by a rogue CIA Agent. The focus of the comic series is the team trying to catch the real bad guy so they can clear their names.” Ethan shrugged. “I heard that a movie adaptation is in the works.”

“Yeah?” Xander looked up, his eyebrow arched in curiosity.

Ethan nodded, but then his smile dimmed a bit.

“Yes. I still don’t know how this got out here.” He tapped the dogtags. “I mean, I have the rifle and hat that goes with it, but I didn’t display them since I don’t have the rest of the costume. It’s meant to go with Army BDU’s.”

Xander blinked.

“I have BDU’s.” He blushed at the odd look Ethan gave him. “Uh, at home. I was planning on going as a soldier. That’s why I was looking at toy guns.”

Ethan’s eyes lit up.

“Oh. Well then, that’s great.” He gestured to the cheap and horribly fake orange and yellow squirt gun. “Put that back and I’ll get you Cougar’s cowboy hat and rifle from the back storeroom.”

“Errr…” Xander bit his lip, unsure due to his lack-of-money situation. He held up the gun he’d been considering. “This is affordable…that is to say, it’s cheap.”

Ethan nodded and ignored him, plucking the toy gun out of his hand before dropping it back into the bin.

“And I’ll discount you on Cougar’s outfit since I already admitted that it’s incomplete.” He gestured Xander towards the back of the store. “Besides, why send you out as a random generic nobody soldier when I can send you out as a world class sniper waging an underground war against the CIA?”

Xander blinked and glanced back over his shoulder to see Buffy and Willow cooing over some froo-froo princess gown that was obviously for Captain Forehead’s benefit. “Good point.” Besides, maybe badass and mysterious was the way to go to get Buffy’s attention.

Plus, cowboy hat! Who could resist a guy in a cowboy hat? Nobody, that’s who.

 

**_Cougar_ **

Cougar blinked his eyes slowly, flexed his fingers around his SR-25, and then licked his lips. He looked around in total confusion.

He was, apparently, in an American suburb. Okay, fine. Despite having absolutely no memory of how he got here, fine. He could deal. He’d woken up in stranger places than suburbia.

Only…this place also seemed to be overrun with…demons and devils?! **Not** fine. Not fine at all!

“Madre de Dios.” He crossed himself.

A memory played through his mind. He had been shot several times and was slowly bleeding out. There was a bomb and Jake hugging him goodbye through tears and curses. He had sat there with that bomb in his lap for as long as he could hold out, alternating between feeling guilt from leaving Jake and relief that it would soon be over. Then some of Max’s minions had shown up and he couldn’t wait any longer. He remembered praying to God that Jake had made it out of the blast zone before touching the wires together, completing the circuit that would detonate the bomb.

Then…he was here.

Cougar looked around again and saw a tiny red devil jump on a screaming woman and bite her. "Cuando Jake dijo suburbios era un infierno, pensé que estaba bromeando." Cougar hadn’t really believed that he would end up in Heaven after all the shit he’d done, but he had hoped. However, he’d always pictured Hell with more fire and pain than this.

“Xander!”

A female voice screamed near him, but he ignored it in favor of worrying about Jake. Did he escape the blast zone or was he also lost in this weird demon infested corner of Hell?

“Xander!” A red haired teenage prostitute ran up to him. “We have to find Buffy. She’ll know what to do about this...” She gestured around them, “craziness.”

The whore looked up at him with terrified eyes and wrung her hands together.

“Do you see her?”

Cougar’s eyes scanned the area.

“See who?”

The whore blinked and gave him a confused look.

“Buffy.” The ‘duh’ was heavily implied.

Cougar frowned, his eyebrows drawing down.

“I don’t know anyone named Buffy.”

She glared up at him even as she stomped a foot.

“Stop fooling around, Xander. This isn’t the time.”

Cougar ignored her in favor of focusing on a four foot tall bat-winged and fanged horror swooping down from the sky. His SR-25 snapped up in an instant, his body working smoothly to aim even before he could peer down the scope.

“No!”

The whore leapt in front of him. He jerked back and away, but the barrel of his rifle went right through her head like it wasn’t even there.

A ghost!

He stepped back and crossed himself again. He began muttering prayers under his breath in Spanish.

The whore looked at him oddly for a brief moment before recognition flared in her eyes. Then she seemed to slump down in resignation.

“I’d hoped that this mess hadn’t affected you.”

“Que?”

She shook herself and took a deep breath before staring intently up into Cougar’s eyes.

“Okay. It’s like this. You’re not really you. You’re really my best friend Xander. He dressed as a soldier for Halloween and now everyone’s turned into their costumes!”

Cougar blinked at her, tilted his head thoughtfully and asked, “Are you related to Jensen?” ‘Cause she could babble, was crazy, and had a strange sense of humor.

“What?” She scowled. “No!”

“Uh huh.”

“This is serious!” She shrieked and slapped out with one hand that passed right through his arm with a chilling coldness. He shivered violently.

“I dressed up as a ghost and now I am one. Xander dressed up as a soldier and now he’s you. The children out trick-or-treating turned into their costumes too!”

She huffed and then looked around, seeming so lost and confused and young. It also made him look at his situation a little differently. Maybe this wasn’t actually Hell. Maybe he was a ghost haunting some teenage boy? He could almost believe that was the truth as his body had felt strange right from the start…he’d just passed that off as an effect of the bomb and him dying and going to Hell.

A terrified female scream echoed through the night.

“Buffy!”

The red haired ghost spun on her heel and took off running. Cougar made a split second decision and ran after her. He found her hovering over another teenage girl. This one was dressed in a big puffy princess dress and was in the throes of hysteria. The ghostly whore was completely failing at calming her down.

“Mujer silencio!” he snapped even as he lifted the big rifle. The princess went silent with a click of her teeth even as the ghost leapt in front of his rifle again. 

She cried out, “There’re kids in those costumes!”

Cougar pulled the trigger.

With a loud bang, the rifle round went through the ghost without a mark only to hit a weapon out of the claws of the monster looming behind her. The monster howled, then turned tail and ran off abandoning its ruined axe.

Cougar lowered his rifle and then shoved a finger up in the ghost’s face.

“Never!” he hissed, “mess with my guns and never touch the hat!”

Then he spun around to the teen in the dress and wrapped his free hand around her arm.

“Come along.”

She went from being intimidated into silence to an indignant harridan in an instant.

“How dare you, you uncouth ruffian! Unhand me this instant!”

Cougar glared at her and growled, “Keep sassing me and I will leave you here to be attacked by monsters.”

She went pale at the very thought. Cougar thrust his jaw toward the ghost.

“See that ghost? She told me that we are ghosts as well. Only you and I, we are haunting the bodies of living people that she knows.”

“Wha…NO!” The princess shook her head in denial.

Cougar growled as he shook her lightly.

“I remember **dying**.”

She gasped and crossed herself.

“I believe God is testing me,” he whispered. “If I keep these bodies alive through this…crisis, then I will be forgiven.”

The princess stared up at him with wide blue-green eyes that were tragic in their sadness and horror.

“Is this… Is this Hell?” A single tear ran down her cheek. “Have I been damned?”

“No!” The ghost butted in. “This is NOT Hell.”

Then she winced.

“Well…sorta. There **is** a portal to hell in the town, but it’s closed. We help keep it closed. We are the good guys.” Then her face crumped. “Don’t either of you two remember?”

Cougar tried. He turned his focus inward and searched his memories but all he found was his own life and memories. Some of them were conflicting and confusing. Bolivia or Afghanistan? Clay full of guilt or Clay full of vengeance? Roque alive or Roque dead? Aisha the good friend or Aisha the team-wreaker? Pooch has twin daughters or a single son? Jensen…Jensen…Jensen…. Best friend and lover….

So many thoughts and memories, but there was nothing about the life of the person whose body he was wearing like a cheap suit.

He shrugged and shook his head. “No, nothing.”

The princess sighed and shook her head as well.

“I have no memories about anything but my own life. I…” her bottom lip wobbled and her eyes glistened with tears, “I do not remember my own death. I… I don’t know why God would abandon me here. I was a good, God-fearing woman.”

The ghost looked at them helplessly for a moment while wringing her hands. Then a car trundled by and the princess shrieked “Demon!”

Cougar snorted and the ghost huffed, clearly stressed. “It’s just a car Buffy.”

It must have been the exasperated and frustrated tone of voice, but the princess straightened her spine and lifted her chin.

“I am **not** this…Buffy. I am Lady Elizabeth.” She frowned slightly. “I… I may be, uh…, in her body, but I am not her.”

“Speaking of bodies,” Cougar drawled. “Where is yours?” 

He looked around at the growing chaos pointedly.

“We need to find it and get somewhere safe. Things are getting a bit…crazy out here.” He carefully eyed a creature on the other side of the street that was eyeing them back. “Once we’re safe, we can figure out what we need to do to get your friends back in their own bodies.”

“Well,” the ghost pointed to a house about three doors down. There was a body lying on the lawn partially wrapped in a sheet. “My body is in the Anderson’s yard.”

Cougar let go of Lady Elizabeth’s arm and gestured to the ghost’s body before heading that way himself. He scanned the area and kept his eye on that one creature that was still watching them. The ghost floated along beside them, babbling.

“As for a safe place to hide? Buffy’s house is the closest. Her mom’s out of town tonight, so we don’t have to worry about her, but the house is safe.” She huffed again. “Figuring out this crazy mess? That means Giles.”

Cougar made a questioning noise that wasn’t really a word.

“Oh, Giles? He’s our school librarian. He’s also Buffy’s Watcher. Err…” she shrugged. “Buffy’s the Slayer. The one girl in all the world gifted with the extra strength and speed needed to fight the vampires and other forces of darkness…all that stuff. Giles provides the research and knowledge.”

Cougar frowned as he tried to wrap his brain around it all. A portal to Hell….a girl with what Jake would term superpowers and team of teens fighting demons and vampires. It was crazy, but at least now he knew why God had chosen this as his test of forgiveness. The girl was a hero…a champion. It was imperative that she stay alive…even if she was helpless at the moment. No. Especially since she was helpless at the moment.

“Wait!” Lady Elizabeth swayed; an awed expression on her face. “I’m haunting the body of a Saint? A Champion of God like Joan d’Arc?”

The ghost scrunched up her nose. “Well, I wouldn’t call Buffy a saint, but the word champion does sorta fit her pretty well. The term we use is The Chosen One.”

“Oh.” Lady Elizabeth looked dazed at the very idea.

“What about you and the boy?” Cougar tapped his own chest and scanned the area again.

The ghost blushed. Cougar had no idea how. Didn’t that require a body and blood flow?

“Oh well, uh…I’ve been learning the research end of things from Giles.” She rolled her eyes. “Reading Latin is hard, but Sumerian is just nuts.” She gave a Gaelic shrug. “Xander…well, he tends to maintain Buffy’s weapons and carves her stakes by the barrel full. Plus he backs her up sometimes when she’s outnumbered by the vampy-vamps.”

Jake would call the boy a sidekick to Buffy’s hero, but Cougar tended to think in terms of weapons and guns, so he saw it more as the boy acting as her Armory Sergeant or Weapons Master.

“Uh…this is me.” The ghost gestured to the body lying on the ground, shuddered hard and turned away. “This is so creepy. Even on the Hellmouth I never really thought I’d get to look at my own corpse. Other people’s, yeah…all the time, but not my own.”

Lady Elizabeth had just knelt down next to the body when suddenly the creature across the street burst out of the bushes and ran at them while growling. It looked mostly human except for the golden demonic eyes and the thick ridges of bone along the brow. It growled, showing off gleaming fangs.

Cougar’s SR-25 was already rising into position when the ghost screamed, “This one you can kill! It’s real and it’s a vampire!” 

Cougar didn’t hesitate. He just adjusted his aim and gently squeezed the trigger. The big 7.25mm Nato round drilled into the center of the creature’s forehead just above the nose and brow ridge and its skull exploded like a ripe watermelon. 

A single breath later its body exploded into sulfur scented ash.

Cougar stared at the spot it had been for a long moment and then turned to face the ghost. “What. The. Fuck!”

“Language!”

At Cougar’s look, she just shrugged and nodded. “Okay, yeah. Vampires…they do that.” 

Then she frowned and eyed the big Stoner Rifle cradled in Cougar’s hands. “I just didn’t know that a gun would be enough to actually kill a vamp. We usually just ram a wooden stake through their hearts.”

 

**_Lady Elizabeth_ **

Elizabeth crossed herself and clamped down hard on the urge to have hysterics. She honestly believed that she had several very excellent reasons to cry. She was apparently dead and her soul was trapped in someone else’s body. A body that was located in a strange town with strange customs. If that wasn’t enough, there were demons running around trying to kill her. Her only protection was a Spaniard musketeer and her only guide was the spirit of a harlot.

Yes, she had many reasons to cry. But she wouldn’t. She refused. She wouldn’t insult the Champion of God whose body she was in by giving in to such weakness. 

The musketeer believed that he was brought here by God to keep them all alive while the soul of the Champion was….banished. So, that must mean that there was a reason that **she** was chosen to occupy the Champion’s body. Perhaps because she was still virginal? Was that the reason that no nobleman had asked for her hand in marriage? Did they somehow sense this…destiny of hers?

Well, whatever the reason, she would not fail God’s chosen warrior maiden in her hour of need. She would prove herself worthy.

Pulling her eyes from the space where the vampire demon perished, Elizabeth turned to face the body of the ghost guiding them. She was an attractive woman if one ignored the heavy face paint and the vulgar clothing. She honestly couldn’t understand why any woman would adorn herself in such ways. She itched to comment on it, but it did not do to speak ill of the dead…especially when their spirts were hanging about to hear it.

There was a sheet partly across the body and Elizabeth pulled it free. She grimaced and wished she had rosewater and incense to properly prepare it for burial as she had helped do for several of her father’s servants over the years. The best she could do was to bow her head over the body and whisper the Last Rite’s for her. The Spaniard musketeer joined in. 

“Er…I’m, uh…I’m Jewish.”

They ignored her and recited the prayer anyway. Elizabeth wasn’t sure why the musketeer did so, but assumed it was for the same reason she did; she wasn’t willing to offend God by not offering that comfort to the dead girl’s soul. Jewish or not.

Afterwards, she quickly and carefully wrapped the body in the sheet using the traditions of her home. When she had the last corner carefully tucked into place the musketeer kneeled down next to her. 

“Help me boost her up onto my shoulder. I will carry her.”

Elizabeth turned her head and looked up into his dark eyes. She saw strength and determination there, but also sincerity. Nodding, she lifted the body’s head and shoulders up so that it was nearly in a sitting position.

“Whoa!” the ghost said. “I felt that.”

Her eyes flicked over to the ghost and she was glad she had been gentle in her ministrations with the sheet if the spirit could still feel the echoes of her earthly body. Then, shifting around a bit, she helped the musketeer lift the body up onto his broad shoulder. He grunted a bit at the weight, but quickly settled it into place. Then he stood up.

Elizabeth stood up as well and gently shook out her skirts. She followed the musketeer as he walked past the ghost towards the pavement.

“Wait!” the ghost cried. She pointed in the opposite direction. “Buffy’s house is that way!”

The musketeer ignored her. Elizabeth shrugged in confusion towards the spirit and then hurried to follow after him. He walked directly to a large metal object on black wheels. It looked like some oddly shaped gypsy wagon or carriage, but there was no place to hook up horses. The musketeer took a brief moment to peer into one of the windows and then stepped back and shifted his musket in his hands. Then, he slammed the butt end of it through the window, sending shards of glass everywhere.

Elizabeth jumped and gave a short cry of surprise, but the ghost was appalled.

“What are you doing!? You can’t just steal some random SUV off the street!”

He reached in and did something that made all of the doors make a clicking sound. Then he turned to face the ghost and smirk. “Yes. I can. And yes, I will.”

He walked around the back and opened up what appeared to be a storage space. He carefully laid down the ghost’s body and then made sure there was enough space so that none of her was hanging out.

“Oh God! This is so illegal. I can’t go to jail for grand theft auto because I’m dead, but you can! You’re going to be in so much trouble Mister!”

He slammed the door down and turned to face the ghost, a scowl flickering over his face.

“I need to get Lady Elizabeth off the streets as quickly as possible. I can’t carry your body and shoot at the same time. Also, if we needed to run she couldn’t do so in that dress of hers.” He huffed out a little growl. “I’m taking the truck.”

The ghost threw her hands up and tipped her head back to beseech the sky. “Men!”

It was said in such a frustrated and despairing tone that Elizabeth couldn’t help but giggle. That one word spoken in such a tone reminded her of her maids and the cook, all of whom had felt that way about the men in their lives at least once in Elizabeth’s hearing. Oddly, it made her feel much better about her situation and companions. The spirit of the dead girl was much like her maids had been, it was only her mode of dress that was so different. Elizabeth was certain that if the girl had been wearing a proper dress or uniform that she wouldn’t seem outlandish at all.

That small touch of familiarity let her see the familiar in other things as well. The strange oil lamps lighting the street worked properly even if they looked odd. The musketeer’s strange uniform and musket were unfamiliar to her eyes, but she knew what they were. The odd horseless carriage and the strange paving stones that it sat upon. All of it was wildly new…and yet, familiar all at once.

Strange lands had strange customs and building materials…but people were always the same. That was a small blessing she was grateful for.

Then the musketeer opened a door and offered a hand to assist her. With a soft smile, she took his hand and climbed into the carriage.

 

**_Ghost in the Machine_ **

Willow bit her lip and resisted the urge to scream. This whole mess was crazy and scary and she just wanted it to be over with. Plus, she wasn’t sure she liked the costume that had taken over Xander. The boy didn’t listen to her and tended to ignore her unless she was providing him specific information he’d asked for. She really didn’t appreciate that or his take charge attitude.

Her Xander was goofy and sweet and really rather dimwitted. He always listened to her, agreed she knew best, and did what she told him to. She wanted that Xander back. 

Scowling, she slid her way into the passenger front seat of the SUV and watched the solider in Xander’s body hotwire the vehicle. When it rumbled to life, Lady Useless in the back seat gasped in shock and Willow rolled her eyes. She also truly missed the real Buffy, because she’d insult the soldier inside Xander and put him back in his place, kick some demon butt to fix this mess, and then beg Willow to help her with her homework.

“Which way to this Jules person?”

Willow grit her teeth.

“It’s Giles and Buffy’s house is so much closer. Giles is at the school and it’s nearly across the town.”

The stupid poopyhead soldier just stared at her, an irritated look on his face. Actually, it was Xander’s face and that made it even worse. She wasn’t used to that expression being aimed at her. It was usually reserved for Harmony Kendal at her most irritating and stupid. How dare he? Didn’t he realize that she was the smartest person in her entire school? And that was including the teachers!

“Look. I’ve been helping with the slayage for nearly a year now. I know what I’m talking about.”

He snorted. “Nearly a whole year?”

She glared at him even harder.

“Little girl,” he drawled at her in a tone that made her huff. “I was a Special Forces soldier in the US Army for over twelve years followed by another five years as an international mercenary.”

Willow crossed her arms over her chest, offended by the little girl comment. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” Lady Elizabeth snapped from the back seat, “to stop arguing and do as you’re told.”

Willow couldn’t help but turn her head and gape at Buffy. “I can’t believe that I’m actually hearing you tell me to listen to a boy.”

Lady Elizabeth shook her head slightly and said, “He may appear to be a young novice, but the soul inside is older and much experienced in warfare. You’d be a fool to ignore such expert advice.”

Willow sighed and nodded. That made sense to be honest, but it was hard to do because whenever she looked at him all she saw was Xander…and Xander only knew about Star Trek and comic books. He relied on her for everything else.

And even as that thought moved through her mind she cringed. Did she really think that? It made Xander seem like some sort of moronic puppy that followed her around peeing on the floor. And he wasn’t a moron.

Even though she did sorta treat him like one.

Well, damn. She really needed to take some time and think that thought over. But not now.

“Fine…” she pointed down a side street. “The fastest way to the school is down that way.”

 

**_The Watcher_ **

Giles’ head jerked up as the library doors banged open. The children burst in still dressed in their costumes and, dear Lord, was that a dead body wrapped up in a sheet and draped over the boy’s shoulder? 

“Buffy? What’s going on?” He gestured to the boy and the – yes, that was a dead body – corpse he was placing down across the library table. “And why is Xander bringing me a corpse?”

Buffy shifted her skirt and…curtseyed? What the bloody hell?

“Learned scholar Giles…it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Lady Elizabeth. I apologize, but your Champion is…not in this body with me. I’m not sure where she is or how to get her back.”

Giles blinked at her. Then he reached up to pull off his glasses and looked at her again, his head tilted in utter confusion. 

“I’m sorry…what?”

“Giles, it’s a complete mess out there.” Willow’s voice was tired and stressed. “Everyone’s turned into their costumes. That’s not Buffy and Xander. They don’t remember us at all.”

Giles slid his glasses back on even as Willow gestured. “You’re already met Lady Elizabeth, the noble woman that Buffy dressed as. Xander dressed as a soldier and now he thinks he’s…uh….”

“Cougar.” The boy tipped his cowboy hat in greeting.

“Yes, yes…Uh, I’m Rupert Giles.”

He turned to Willow, a small frown of confusion on his face. “And…and you? You seem to, uh, know who you are and who we all are. Um…didn’t you dress, er,” he eyed her outfit up and down, noticing with great discomfort the very short skirt and the top that displayed much of her stomach, “for Halloween?”

Willow blushed deeply and wrapped her arms around her midriff as if to hide it. “I dressed as a **ghost** , Giles!” She waved a hand and it passed harmlessly through one of the chairs around the research table.

“Ah,” he nodded knowingly and then muttered under his breath, “the ghost of what: sex, drugs, and rock and roll?”

The boy snorted and then smirked wickedly even as Willow huffed and blushed once again.

Giles blinked and a brief flicker of a grin crossed his face as he met the boy’s eyes and felt a brief surge of comradery. It was an odd and rather nice feeling. Often, it seemed that he was overwhelmed by three teens banded together with himself being the lone adult on the outside looking in. While he didn’t know who exactly this Cougar was that was possessing the boy, it was nice to feel as if he was in the presence of another adult.

“So,” Giles said in an effort to get them, and himself, back on track, “everyone just turned into their costumes all at once?”

“Yes.” Willow nodded in certainty.

“No.” Cougar shook his head once, just as firmly.

Willow turned her head and scowled, but Cougar just arched an eyebrow at her. Willow huffed and forgetting once again to be embarrassed about her state of dress, unwrapped her arms from her midriff and waved them in the air.

“How can you say that? Everyone was all running around screaming and acting strange.”

He shrugged one shoulder and tilted his head a bit.

“Would Spiderman run away screaming? Or would he spin a web and capture the devil chasing him?”

Willow frowned, confused. “What?”

Cougar gave her a pointed look. “The child in red and blue I swerved around? I did so to put the SUV between him and the red horned devil chasing him.”

“Oh.”

Willow seemed to shrink down and curl in on herself, looking sad and hurt. Giles opened his mouth to cut in and take attention away from the girl until she could pull herself together when Cougar snorted.

“Does that work on the boy?” He tapped his own chest. “Is looking hurt and scared part of how you browbeat him into doing as you say and not contradicting your opinions?”

Willow gasped, outraged for a moment, but Cougar’s deadpan expression finally made her blush and cross her arms over her chest. “You’re such a poopyhead.” She muttered.

Cougar turned his head, looked over at Giles and very obviously rolled the boy’s eyes. “Mis condolencias para lidiar con adolescentes odiosos todo el tiempo, hombre.”

Lady Elizabeth quickly raised a hand to giggle behind and a small smirk hovered over Giles’ lips even as his eyes sparkled with mirth. “Yes, quite.”

Willow just glared harder and Giles was forced to reevaluate everything he thought he knew about the teens. He’d always seen them in a certain light: Buffy was strong and spirited if unhappy with her calling, Willow was brilliant but shy and quiet, and the boy was brave but not quite bright and overly eager to please. However, if as Cougar suspected, Willow’s shyness was just an act to manipulate the boy into behaving in certain ways….

He shook his head. No. He would have to pay attention to the children more closely since there was obviously something to Cougar’s theory, but it couldn’t possibly be as bad or intentional as the other man seemed to think. But now wasn’t the time to get into it. 

Right now they had a real crisis on their hands to deal with.

“So…it’s possible that some costumes weren’t effected; either completely or at all. Whereas others changed so completely that there isn’t any memory of the host’s lives.”

Lady Elizabeth nodded, “I dare say you are correct, Mr Giles. I have memories of my own life, but none of your Champion.” She gestured to Willow, “In fact, I would not even know her name if it wasn’t from yon ghost.”

“Hmmmm,” Giles pulled off his glasses and nibbled on the ear piece while considering it all. It had to be magic, of course. The casting of such a spell would be complex and require an extreme amount of power even if the effects seemed rather chaotic and random. And to what purpose would it serve? It didn’t seem to make any sense. 

“There are few artifacts or…or objects with the power to…uh, affect such a large town as Sunnydale. The, er…the Hellmouth being one. However, it seems more likely that it’s the costumes themselves that are at the heart of it.”

“The costumes?”

“What?” Giles focused back on the room and smiled sheepishly over at Willow and nodded. “Er, yes. You see, the amount of magic needed to bewitch an entire town is….well, it’s staggering. It would be much easier to cast a simple enchantment on all the various costumes and then activate them all at once.”

He shook his head and replaced his glasses on his face. “It would still take a lot of magic, but not nearly as much. Also, much of that magic would be cast in small amounts over a period of time, making it that much easier and less dangerous to the mage.”

So…it’s my dress?” Lady Elizabeth frowned in confusion. “Your Champion bought my dress to costume in and it allowed me to be called back to the living world in her body?”

Giles blinked and looked over at his Slayer. “Yes. I believe so.”

Cougar glanced up from under the brim of his hat and hefted the huge gun in his arms, “Then we should go talk to the man that sold it to her, yes?”

Willow looked as aghast as he felt, “You’re not going to shoot him, are you!?”

Cougar shrugged one shoulder. “Possibly.”

 

**_The Cheerleader_ **

“Help!”

Oh God! She was going to die! It so wasn’t fair! 

RAWWWWRRRR!!

Pain slammed into her back and threw her to the ground. It felt like lines of fire burning across her skin. It hurt so bad that she barely noticed the gravel scraping off a layer of skin across her knees and palms. All she could do was sob and shudder from the burning pain.

RAWWWWRRRR!!!

That huge clawed paw smashed into her again. This time it caught her in the shoulder and arm. The force of the blow flipped her over from her front to being sprawled across the ground on her back. She looked up from the mangy and matted fur of her attacker into the monster’s slavering jaws. Huge fangs dripping spittle and huffing foul breath was inches from her face.

She screamed; high pitched and terrified.

The beast jerked back in shock at the noise even as it swatted at her with its huge paw. Its claws dug into her skin along her jaw and throat and then down her chest. It felt like pure burning agony.

**BANG!**

Suddenly, the monster’s head exploded and blood and brain matter splattered everywhere. She watched, stunned, noting every detail as if the world had shifted into slo-mo while the beast toppled over into a crumpled heap.

Just as slowly, she tilted her head up and back to see a shiny silver SUV with Xander freakin’ Harris leaning out the driver side window with a huge freaking gun still pointed at the monster.

She was saved.

A wave of relief washed over her so strong, she passed out.

The next thing she knew was a spike of pain along her throat followed by Giles’ voice murmuring about blood. She hissed and flinched.

“No, Cordelia. Stay…stay still.”

She opened her eyes to see that she was in the backseat of the SUV. Buffy was holding onto her and pressing a waded up bit of material to her throat.

“Wha…”

“Shhh…you were, uh…attacked. But…but you are safe now.” Giles said softly even as he leaned over her and pressed a bit of shiny red cloth to her face. “We’re trying to stop the bleeding now. Er…but you will be fine. I promise.”

“Oh.” She rolled her eyes to see that Xander was driving and Willow was scowling at him from the passenger seat. “Hurts.”

“I know, dear.”

Then Willow’s shrill voice cut through her skull like a knife. “I can’t believe you shot him! You killed him! There was a student in that costume!”

“It was going to kill, possibly **eat** that girl.” 

Xander’s voice sounded odd to her. It seemed to have a weird inflection, possibly an accent. How hard did she hit her head?

Willow huffed. “Oh. And you couldn’t think of **any** other way to deal with the situation? Like, I don’t know, chase it away!”

Cordelia groaned, partially from the pain, but mostly from Willow’s tirade.

“God Willow. You are such a bitch.”

“Me?!” her voice was even more shrill with her indignation. “ **You’re** calling me a bitch? Oh, that’s rich.”

Cordelia rolled her eyes. “Hey! I’m open and honest about my bitchiness. You just pretend to be all meek and mild and then stab people in the back when they aren’t looking. I don’t know how dork-boy and little Miss-Slays-A-Lot put up with you. I really don’t.”

“Children! Please!” Giles’ voice held undertones of anger and desperation.

“Sorry Giles.” She and Willow said in unison.

Cordelia sank back further against Buffy and hissed. Now that she wasn’t focused on snarling at Willow, all she could really feel was burning pain. Her face and neck hurt. Her chest, arm and shoulder hurt. Her back hurt. It was a deep throbbing agony overlaid with a burning sensation.

She looked up at Giles, scared and confused. “What’s going on? What was that thing, anyway?”

Giles sighed and shifted slightly.

“Many of the town’s inhabitants seemed to have turned into their costumes. You don’t appear to be effected by that as you know who you are and who we are as well?”

That last bit was more a question than anything, so Cordelia nodded…and then regretted it as it caused her neck and shoulder to flare with more pain.

“Yeah.”

“Er…well, we are going to see the person we believe is responsible for all the…uh, transformations. Including the student that attacked you.”

He grimaced and reached for another bit of cloth she just realized had been torn from Buffy’s dress.

“As for what that was that attacked you…um…at a glance I would say it was some undetermined breed of Hellhound, but…well, it wasn’t quite right. Hellhounds aren’t bipedal.” She frowned in confusion and he added, “That is to say, they run on four legs instead of just two.”

“Ah.”

“It, uh, it is my hope that breaking the spell will also heal your wounds since they were caused by a costume, but if it doesn’t…well, we’ll take you straight to the hospital.”

Just then, the SUV skidded to a halt outside a costume shop with the name ETHAN’S on the sign out front.

 

**_Xander_ **

Xander watched, confused, as a plastic bullet bounced off the back of the shopkeeper’s head as he dashed out the back door. He turned around to see Giles kneeling down next to a pile of ceramic shards and Buffy slowly pull off the black hair wig that she’d been wearing. 

¿Qué carajo?

He blinked in shock. Spanish? How the hell did he know Spanish?

It was as if wondering that single question had opened up a floodgate in Xander’s mind as foreign memories rushed in. Memories of an early childhood in a small New Mexico town and then of Cougar’s large Spanish speaking family all moving to Houston Texas as a teen. Memories of Cougar graduating from High School and joining the Army. Memories of warzones followed by Special Forces and sniper training. 

Memories of the Losers.

Of Clay, Roque, Pooch, and Jensen.

At that point the memories split into two in a way that was almost painful and he swayed on his feet. Xander could remember the mission to Afghanistan as clearly as he could the mission to Bolivia. At that point on, almost everything was different in the two sets of memories. Very few things stay consistent; Max set them up to die, Roque betrayed them, and Jensen was his lover. Er…Cougar’s lover.

In any case, the duel memories didn’t make any sense. How could it be that he has two sets of memories for the same time period?

_*I don’t know. They both feel real, though.*_

Xander flinched and blinked.

“Er…guys?” He tried not to panic too much, but he could feel an urge to freak out hardcore. “Problem. I…uh, I think that Cougar’s still here. In my brain. I can hear him talking.”

Giles’ head whipped up and around to stare at him, then he turned to face Buffy.

“And you? Do you still have, uh…Lady Elizabeth in your mind?”

Buffy stilled and closed her eyes briefly. Then she opened them and shook her head. “No. Sorry. Lady Elizabeth is gone.”

They both turned to look at Xander and he shrugged before thinking really hard ‘Hey sniper dude. Why are you still here?’ Xander could literally feel Cougar shrug. _*No lo se’.*_

“Hey.”

Cordelia’s strained voice had them all looking over at her.

“Not to cut into your dramatic moment with the voice in your head…but I’m still injured here. Badly.” She swayed on her feet and Buffy reached out to steady her. “Hospital! Please?”

“Yeah,” Buffy said. “I think you definitely need stitches.” She grimaced. “Possibly antibiotics too.”

Xander looked over at Cordelia…and winced. Oh yeah. Major stitches. She had a claw mark across her cheek and jaw that was a bleeding jagged wound and her throat had a strip of skin hanging.

_*She’s gonna scar. Badly.*_

Xander winced again. That was so not good. Queen C was the on the cheerleading squad, the leader of the popular clique for their grade, and arguably one of the most beautiful girls in the entire town. Jagged scars across her face, neck, and chest would not be something she’d adapt to well.

Buffy had to practically carry Cordelia out to the SUV and when they turned around, Xander could see that there were jagged claw marks across the girl’s back as well.

“Great googly-moogly.” Xander muttered and he could feel Cougar pause and blink inside his brain. 

_*Que? No…nevermind. I will teach you to curse properly. Como un hombre.*_

‘No thanks.’ Xander thought back at the voice in his head even as he followed everyone out of Ethan’s shop. ‘That’ll just lead to me getting slapped by Willow right before she uses her Resolved Face on me…or worse, her Kicked Puppy Face.’

A wave of dark irritation and distinct dislike washed through Xander’s mind at the mention of Willow. _*Putita arrogante me cabrea.*_

‘Hey! No dissing Willow!’ Xander thought back. A wave of stubborn determination and a rock steady certainty that he was right radiated from the corner of Xander’s mind that Cougar was now occupying, but no further anti-Willow rhetoric blasted through his brain so Xander counted it a win.

Suddenly Xander blinked and realized that he’d been so busy arguing with Cougar that he’d climbed into the driver’s seat of the SUV without thinking about it. ‘Er…I don’t know how to drive.’

_*Don’t worry. I do.*_

And with that, Xander felt himself being very gently yet forcefully pushed into the back of his brain as Cougar took over.

‘Uh oh.’

**Author's Note:**

> Translations:
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _“Madre de Dios.”_  
>  “Mother of God.”
> 
> _"Cuando Jake dijo suburbios era un infierno, pensé que estaba bromeando."_  
>  “When Jake said suburia was hell, I thought he was joking.”
> 
> _“Que?”_  
>  “What?”
> 
> _“Mujer silencio!”_  
>  “Woman silence!”
> 
> _“Mis condolencias para lidiar con adolescentes odiosos todo el tiempo, hombre.”_  
>  "My condolences on dealing with obnoxious teenagers all the time, man."
> 
> _¿Qué carajo?_  
>  “What the fuck?”
> 
> _No lo se’_  
>  I don’t know
> 
> _Como un hombre_  
>  As a man
> 
> _Putita arrogante me cabrea._  
>  Arrogant bitch pisses me off.


End file.
